the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
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He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
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My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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