This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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