This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
