you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
