I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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