like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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