Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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