you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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