my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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