I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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