I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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