I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
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Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
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Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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