Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
