I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
