as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
if i died would you start the facebook group?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
