The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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