sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
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please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
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My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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