Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Randomize
