dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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