Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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