The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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