Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
