hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Randomize
