I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
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You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
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Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize