i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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