the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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