When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
even my farts smell like vagina
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
