Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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