I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
