the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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