I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
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But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
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The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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