In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
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