He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
