Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
