just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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