mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
