I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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