Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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