Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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