So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
