We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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