If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
