White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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