Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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