do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
