Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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