Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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