I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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