Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
