So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize