Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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