look no pants
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
