One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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