My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Randomize
