Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
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