i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
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