I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
